I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
