Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Randomize
