you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
