She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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