I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Too much gin, very little bucket
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
So squirting runs in the family.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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