I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
