cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
