My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
