so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
