Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
