I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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