Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
The air taste purple.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
