so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
