My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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