glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up