you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
No idea. I blame fireball.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven