i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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