I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
