I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I think my moral compass just broke
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
