When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
