One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
