No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I need moral support for this bender
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
