I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
