my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I need to align my fucking chakras
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Two words: nipple clamps
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