Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
