sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
