i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
