Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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