if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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