You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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