I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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