White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
