she kept yelling 'call me bella'
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
