p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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