I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
