I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
