You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
