need another drink. this is the easiest way
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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