at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
