12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I've blown a few things in my day
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
