If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
