from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
