so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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