careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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