before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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