Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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