if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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