We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
