I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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