Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
