ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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