So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
