Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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