Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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