apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
