He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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