I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
