Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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