I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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